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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.